Grief can be intimidating, especially when almost nothing about it or how to help has been formally taught for most ministry leaders. Growing up in church and Christian education circles, grief was not discussed. We skimmed quickly to the hope of the Resurrection and camped there. It felt less dangerous than sitting in the sorrow of what could not be fixed on this side of heaven or facing our own mortality. To this day, grief support training does not exist in most MDiv programs or even LPC programs. Yet for most of us who are ministry leaders, we are faced with grief and grieving people regularly. This evokes a question of where to find ongoing education or resources for this need.
My own journey into helping grieving people began when my husband received a pastoral call to Texas years ago. Our family relocated to answer this call, and I began the process of trying to get involved in my new community. An invitation from an acquaintance to volunteer at a local hospice sparked curiosity and intimidation.
God immediately drew my heart toward the bereavement side of hospice, and the training fascinated me. Training became the key that unlocked a tall steel door of intimidation, opening a way for me to more confidently reach out to grieving people.
In a whirlwind of heart-breaking situations, I felt the soft pillow of belonging, the gentle whisper that God created me for this and found myself staring at an application for grad school to learn even more. The formal name for this line of study is called thanatology, from the Greek thanatos. The study of thanatology looks at death, grief, and bereavement from many different angles, all with the end goal of helping grieving people. I learned that orderly stages of grief, which are considered academically and experientially out of date, have been replaced with the Dual Process Model of Bereavement.[1]
The lines rushing back and forth between the loss-oriented and restoration-oriented sides of this model point to the inward chaos grief can be. Just when a grieving person may feel they have slightly steadied themselves, a scent, a song, or a memory can metaphorically “pull the rug out” from under them.
We see in these zigzag lines the chaos God never wanted for us, something that was never part of the original Garden of Eden. We also see the intense need of a Savior, a God who can bring order to the chaos we ultimately made (Rom 6:23). From Genesis 1:2 all the way to Revelation 22:17, 21, we see him willing to come near and his desire to restore order. He can indeed use us, finite and broken though we are, to help reach into this loneliness and chaos that grief brings. In drawing near and being willing to sit with a grieving person, we see again God using us in helping to grab a little of heaven and bring it to a hurting earth: “on earth as it is in heaven” (Matt 6:10).
So how does the chaos of these zigzag lines start to emerge in grief? When a person loses a loved one, this primary loss comes with an instant list of what is termed “secondary losses.” Few will dare to ask about these losses, as they are complex and typically bring further isolation.
For example, if someone lost a spouse, they also perhaps lost:
- Equilibrium
- Being someone’s priority
- Best friend
- Travel buddy
- Accountant
- Friendships with other couples that are now instantly in question
- Years of shared history that no one else knows
- Plans for the future
- Time—they are now doing the work of two people instead of one
Sometimes bringing order from the chaos means helping a grieving person start to think through how these secondary losses can be addressed going forward. This is not a fast process or an easy one. Throughout the Bible, God is present to pour courage into his beloved. We have the opportunity to do the same with a grieving person who is trying to get their footing in a landscape they never wanted.
After a hospice death loss, Medicare provides a year of grief support with strategically timed phone calls and grief support materials. What Medicare provides is not enough for many grieving people, but it can be more consistent than what grieving people receive from other sources.
Before you read this list of strategic times for grief support and the “why” behind each one, here are a few important caveats! First, if you get a nudge from God to reach out to a grieving person, act on it—no matter when in the grief journey it is. Grief can be very isolating, and the kindness you show matters so much. Try to be specific instead of a vague “if you need anything.” If you are wondering where to start, think about one month after the funeral when most support has dropped off and the offer of a meal (either to drop one off or an invitation to join) can be very strategic. Many grieving people are struggling, learning how to eat alone for the first time. Second, each loss is as unique as a fingerprint, and consequently each bereaved person will grieve uniquely. Third, I have talked with grieving people who were both surprised and disheartened that the second year of grief was much more difficult than the first. This can be particularly difficult in a busy Western society that almost expects a grieving person to be “fine” after a year.
With these caveats in mind, here are the timeframes hospice staff and volunteers were trained to use to call and check on a grieving person, mixed with information grieving people have shared with me from their own experiences.
4–6 weeks after a loss
At this point after a death, most of the cards, casseroles, and flowers are gone, and the funeral is over. Others have gone back to normal life while the grieving person is left with a giant hole ripped in their life and a tidal wave of administrative work to do (obtaining the death certificate, closing accounts, opening accounts), all while in a brain fog.
The brain fog is the body’s natural anesthesia, helping the grieving person adjust to the fact that their person is gone. This brain fog can be incredibly frustrating to a grieving person who is normally very well organized. I have talked with grieving people who are scared they can’t remember driving to their destination or are shocked they forgot something that would ordinarily be second nature. Though this fog is temporary, it can evoke additional fear and feel like an additional loss.
6–9 months after a loss
The finality of loss is often setting in as the brain fog is lifting. There is a realization that a loved one is not on a business trip or a vacation, and the loss (from an earthly perspective) is permanent.
This reality can evoke deep, deep sorrow. A lot of the initial flurry of administrative work is over, and some are now overwhelmed by doing the work of two people as they take on the responsibilities of the person they lost.
I have talked with widows frustrated they now have to learn things they never wanted to learn (e.g., what is under the hood of the car, how to turn on the sprinklers, where the Christmas lights get hung outside, etc.), and that people assume they have so much free time now.
Some who were caretakers are wrestling with identity issues and an entirely new daily schedule, often woven with unexplainable guilt. “Grief bursts” can ambush at the most unexpected and inopportune times. A widow described to me what it was like sobbing in front of the orange juice at Walmart and that people around her didn’t know what to do. Orange juice was one of the last things she brought her husband before he died. Painful reminders are everywhere.
Additionally, relationships are changing for the bereaved. Some friends made a point to show up and get involved. Conversely, other friends, often due to intimidation, were nowhere to be found.
11–12 months after a loss
The eleventh month after a loss can be the most poignant of all, as a grieving person is mentally and emotionally reliving some of the last things their loved one did leading up to the one-year anniversary of the loss. Mentally replaying these final weeks can be extremely difficult and for some, re-traumatizing.
The one-year anniversary of loss can also be a day of deep sadness, yet many in the life of the grieving person may not acknowledge this day, which stirs up the feelings of isolation all over again.
Tender Days
Birthdays, anniversaries, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day can also be particularly difficult days. You can typically find birthdays and anniversaries in the funeral program. An idea to consider is to strategically plug those birthdays into your phone to send a text on those days. Some family members even forget these, so hearing from you on these tender days is a reflection of “the God who sees me” (Gen 16:13b).
A common thread in the dual process model and the timeline of the first year is isolation. I hope you can see the reasons why you, reaching out at strategic frames (when so many others will not) has the potential to be so powerful in the life of a grieving person. One of the greatest additional heartbreaks for a grieving person is people from their own circle who use the dismissive terminology “at least…” (e.g., “At least he isn’t suffering anymore”; “At least she’s in a better place”). In the use of this terminology, the focus is not on the person who is grieving. To try to look at life through the lenses of a grieving person who is zigzagging back and forth between loss and restoration is to understand that whatever comes next in life for them is “second choice.” Their first choice is gone and this side of heaven, that is permanent and difficult to hold daily. They will need help to hold this reality. This is why God gives us each other. It is too heavy to hold alone.
It is highly likely that when you call, text, bring a meal, or show up to give a hug, that you might be the only one who had the courage to draw in close and to ask. Many will not. Be courageous. Reach out. There is a grieving world that needs you.
Resource List
Readers are cautioned that not all the resources listed here are Christian and are not necessarily endorsed by CBHD. Be sure to research each organization before discerning your level of comfort with engagement.
Pregnancy and Infant Loss
- The Morning: https://www.themorning.com/
- Hope Mommies: https://hopemommies.org/
- No Footprint Too Small: https://nofootprinttoosmall.com/
- Missing Pieces Support Groups for Men: https://missingpiecessupportgroup.org/loss-support/men/
Loss of a Child
- Compassionate Friends: https://www.compassionatefriends.org/
- While We’re Waiting: https://whilewerewaiting.org/
- GPS Hope:https://www.gpshope.org/
For Widows and Widowers
- Never Alone Widows: https://www.neveralonewidows.com/
- Perspective Ministries: https://perspectiveministries.org/
- National Widowers Organization: https://nationalwidowers.org/
For Widows of Military and First Responders
- Never Alone Widows Military and First Responders: https://www.neveralonewidows.com/widows-of-heroes
Generalized loss
- Grief Share: https://www.griefshare.org/
- Video: “What Grieving People Wish You Knew About What Really Helps and Really Hurts,” by Nancy Guthrie, CoHost of GriefShare: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEVEB3DEK7Y
References
[1] Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, “The Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement: Rationale and Description,” Death Studies 23, no. 3 (1999): 197–224, https://doi.org/10.1080/074811899201046.