Recently, my wife Lori Way wrote about “The Burdens and Privileges of Caregiving” for Intersections. She reflected on topics like instability and peace, fatigue and grace, hope and endurance, and caregiving and godliness. She is my primary caregiver, and I am profoundly grateful for her faithful, compassionate care in the circumstance of my blood cancer diagnosis (AML, acute myeloid leukemia), stem cell/bone marrow transplant, and chronic graft-versus-host-disease (cGvHD). Since Lori already offered perspectives from her experience as a caregiver, I will now offer perspectives from my experience as the patient or the care receiver. I recognize that I am not always a good receiver, and I am learning that practicing gratitude is a helpful way to grow as a receiver. By making gratitude my habit, I may cultivate Christian virtues while receiving care.
Gratitude is simply defined as “a glad sense of being gifted with something by someone and thus being indebted to the giver.”[1] Gratitude is prompted when a beneficiary receives a benefit from a benefactor.[2] In my circumstance of illness, I am the beneficiary who benefits from my wife’s caregiving. When I think about Lori (or any medical professional) as my benefactor, I am prompted to give thanks. Of course, this drama is analogous to our relationship with God. In all circumstances of life, Christians are beneficiaries who receive benefits from their divine benefactor—the Lord Jesus Christ. As God’s beneficiaries, Christians are prompted “simply to do a good job receiving benefactors’ gifts and then thanking them.”[3]
Receiving Care
It can be uncomfortable to be in the receiving position, especially when we can’t give back or we have nothing to give back. All the fuss over my health or survival can feel one-sided and unnecessary, and it can trigger feelings of discomfort or guilt. Part of my cancer journey entails learning how to release these feelings, accepting the help that is offered, and embracing my dependent status of weakness (cf. 2 Cor 12:7–10). It is humbling to receive such lavish care, but I am discovering that compassionate care teaches me about God’s love. The virtuous actions of Lori and others taught me that I am a beneficiary who is “dearly loved” (Col 3:12, NIV). After all, what do I have that I “did not receive?” (cf. 1 Cor 4:7).
People physically gave of themselves to us. Friends and family donated blood and platelets, and I needed both in copious supply. Some of these friends have continued to give blood regularly to help people who need it. Lori took time off from work to stay with me at the hospital and to advocate for me. My brother went through the taxing process of stem cell donation. Friends also took care of our yard work, cleaned our home, cooked our meals, drove our kids to activities, and packed up my office/library (for a remodel at work).
People financially gave in many thoughtful ways. Someone paid off our kids’ tuition for the year. A family member offered to pay our mortgage if needed. Some friends gave money, while others bought gift cards to cover food and gas. Friends paid for a Spotify account, massages, and items that benefitted us, like air purifiers, a couch that could be wiped down, a vacuum that runs on its own, a comfortable mat for Lori to sleep on in the hospital, and a plentiful supply of coffee. One friend made it her sole purpose to bring joy to our kids by dropping off big bags of fun stuff for them. People helped with our kids’ birthday parties. Books and book recommendations were also given to us. Framed art or pictures were sent to us. Many of these gifts were inexpensive and were excellent examples of options for those who wish to support people who are suffering but have financial limitations.
People shared their gifts of encouragement with us. Some friends who were in the medical field came with us to appointments to be an extra set of ears and to help us process what we were hearing. When I was discharged after a very difficult few weeks at the hospital, friends threw a party in our driveway to welcome me home with streamers, banners, and noisemakers. People would offer to visit and to pray with us (this was not usually possible because of my weakened immunity, but they still offered). We received emails, texts, cards, verses, and songs of encouragement on a daily basis. Sharing a song or psalm is something we can always do (cf. Col 3:16) when we don’t know what to say or we lack the right words for people who are going through difficult times.[4]
There were friends praying for me from all over the world, from Japan to England, from Australia to Israel to Kenya, and more. Over the years I have taught many students from around the world, and when they heard the news of my diagnosis, they wanted to know how to pray for me. My condition was constantly changing, sometimes moment by moment. I might feel completely fine one minute only to spike a worrisome fever the next minute. It fell to Lori, as my primary caregiver, to communicate updates and prayer needs to our inquiring friends.
Lori had a thought-provoking discussion with our pastor-friend one day about the many prayer warriors who were seeking God’s mercy for us. He mused that one of the effects of my illness was that many people were awakened to spend more time in God’s presence, and that was an encouraging thought, regardless of my treatment outcomes. My battle with cancer united the global body of Christ in a beautiful way as people approached God’s throne of grace in our time of need (cf. Heb 4:16). We observed the church putting on love, which binds together the godly virtues of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience (cf. Col 3:12–14).
Giving Thanks
Paul emphasizes thankfulness by mentioning it three times in Colossians 3:15–17. After “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts,” he says, “And be thankful” (Col 3:15). Then, following “Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly,” he reminds us to sing “with gratitude in [our] hearts” (Col 3:16). Finally, he stresses thorough thankfulness with the verb eucharisteo (“to give thanks”): “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him” (Col 3:17; cf. Eph 5:20), echoing Jesus’ thanksgiving at the Last Supper (see Luke 22:17, 19; 1 Cor 11:24).
One of Lori’s first blog posts (on the CaringBridge journal) after my diagnosis of leukemia was “Soteriology 101,” in which she reflected on the symbolism of cancer and its treatment in terms of the gift of salvation that God freely gives to us to cure our sin problem. She mentioned my need for treatment, some of the process, and the reality that I could not save myself from cancer—all analogous to how we cannot save ourselves from the bondage of sin. My only role was to receive the prescribed treatment and to accept the process by signing releases and waivers. This receptive posture became a kind of thanksgiving therapy as it evoked a grateful response in my heart.
Early in the treatment process, I realized that I was saying the phrase “thank you” more than anything else during that time. I was in a pinned posture of reception and dependence. I was attached to IV poles and could not take a shower or use the restroom without assistance. Through much of my hospitalization I couldn’t do anything for myself. For some of the time I was even confined to a bed in which an alarm would go off if I tried to get out, alerting the nurses to come quickly. All day and night, people served me, tended to me, prayed for me, and all I could do was say “thank you.” These two words taught me much about my totally dependent state as a mortal and as a Christ-follower. I realized that I am not in control at all and that my life is not my own.
It felt like there was nothing I could do for myself. Medical personnel, friends, and family took care of my needs, and all I could do was say “thank you.” This experience helped me to understand why Paul opens many of his letters with an expression of gratitude for the Christian community (see Eph 1:15–16; Phil 1:3–5; Col 1:3–8; 1 Thes 1:2–3; 2 Thes 1:3–4; Phlm 4–7; etc.). It also helped me to understand Paul’s emphasis on “one another” (Col 3:13, 16) in his paragraph emphasizing gratitude.
I’ve learned that complaining may be the opposite of thanksgiving (see Phil 2:14) and that vices like cynicism, self-sufficiency, greed, apathy, resentment, and entitlement may block my gratitude.[5] But the Christian practice of gratitude subverts what is meaningless and trivial (see Eph 5:4; 1 Tim 4:4). I remember one occasion of subversive thankfulness when I was getting discharged between chemo treatments. A nurse, who knew that I was a Bible professor, boldly asked me, “Why do you think this illness happened to you?” I was able to share two thoughts. First, I explained that sickness and death can happen to anyone because humans are mortals living in a broken world. And second, I reversed the perspective and expressed gratitude that God blessed me with forty-four years of good health! The nurse did not say another word to me after hearing my sober optimism. After all, our situations “could always be worse,” and I think “considering the alternative” is a helpful way to cultivate gratitude during difficult times.[6]
In Overcoming Apathy, Uche Anizor explains how gratitude is subversive: “Notice that thanksgiving is that which replaces or, better, undermines filthy, vain, trivial, and mocking talk. We replace triviality with gratitude to God. Calling out all the good things we have from God immediately gives perspective to our daily lives. Paul even implies that the practice of giving thanks infuses meaning to every good gift God has given.”[7] So Anizor recommends that we combat apathy by cultivating meaning:
Start small by thanking God every morning for everyday things, such as a warm shower, breakfast, your family, a job to go to, a car to take you to work, and more. Make it a habit to begin your day with thankfulness. During tough seasons, pause and write down things for which you’re thankful. Figure out how to make gratitude a regular feature of your life. It will bring focus to your life if you will allow it to become a habit.[8]
When Christians make gratitude into a habit, they cultivate joy, generosity, and growth in their relationships. I pray that my testimony about receiving care and giving thanks will inspire Christians to be grateful receivers of gifts that come from people and from God. Christians may reflect on their answers to questions like: What benefits am I currently receiving? Who are my benefactors (or caregivers)? Have I thanked them lately? Am I a generous giver? How am I practicing gratitude today?
References
[1] Cornelius Plantinga, Gratitude: Why Giving Thanks Is the Key to Our Well-Being (Brazos, 2024), 7.
[2] See Plantinga’s discussion of the “Three B’s” in Gratitude, 8.
[3] Plantinga, Gratitude, 12.
[4] See kway’s “Courage for the Battle” playlist on Spotify, https://open.spotify.com/playlist/152Dx8WwzoRA1r1qBmdZ3T.
[5] See Plantinga, Gratitude, 33–44.
[6] Plantinga, Gratitude, 91–95.
[7] Uche Anizor, Overcoming Apathy: Gospel Hope for Those Who Struggle to Care (Crossway, 2022), 154. See also Uche Anizor, “Triviality and the Problem of Apathy,” Talbot Magazine, December 14, 2022, https://www.biola.edu/blogs/talbot-magazine/2022/triviality-and-the-problem-of-apathy.
[8] Anizor, Overcoming Apathy, 155.